The Right to Marry—for All

Commitment, love, family, friends, support, celebration, joy—all parts of the beauty and wonder of a wedding. As my husband and I continue to bask in the afterglow of our daughter’s wedding of a month ago, I am perplexed each time I hear anti-gay marriage rhetoric being spewed over the air waves. Isn’t commitment a wonderful, time-honored and cherished value? So why would we deny the opportunity to anyone who wishes to enter into the commitment of marriage—who wishes to publicly, in front of family, friends, society, and, for some, their God, pledge their lives together?

I was delighted when the Massachusetts Supreme Court upheld gay marriage in 2003, and again when St. Louis Park began a domestic partnership registry earlier this year. And I was moved when watching a news story a couple weeks ago showing two white-haired women in their 70s smiling in delight, when, after having been together for 23 years, they were able to marry in New York City.

We all know gay people. They are our sisters, brothers, children, friends, neighbors, colleagues, classmates and co-workers. They are people we care about, love and respect, people we laugh with, cry with, share meals and holidays with, do business and collaborate with. The lucky ones of us know that we know gay folks, because we have been privileged that they’ve felt comfortable enough to be open with us and to be who they are.

For the past 16 years, our family has been part of a Lutheran (ELCA) church that welcomes gays and lesbians. The congregation is a mix of young and old, single, married, working and retired, same and opposite sex couples, and children of all ages. Our daughter had just turned 13 when we joined. Being a part of that community as well as having gay family members and friends who were open, taught her that all people are a part of God’s (however one defines the Divine) creation, and have gifts and talents to share. She learned not to not make assumptions or to believe stereotypes and to respect differences.

As for the right to marry for anyone who wishes to, language from the Massachusetts Supreme Court decision says it eloquently:  “Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society … Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity and family.  It is an association that promotes a way of life, not causes; a harmony in living, not political faiths; a bilateral loyalty, not commercial or social projects …  Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition … Without the right to marry—or more properly, the right to choose to marry—one is excluded from the full range of human experience and denied full protection of the laws for one’s ‘avowed commitment to an intimate and lasting human relationship.’”

It was pure joy to see my child get married surrounded by the love of family and friends, to see her make a commitment to the man she loves, to see her being supported and celebrated by those who love her and want life’s best for her always. Any parent should be able to experience that joy when their child finds a life partner they wish to commit to in marriage. Every time I hear an individual or group, be they faith-based or not, ranting about the horrors of gay marriage, it makes me wonder what exactly they see as so threatening. I just don’t get it.